=VictorianGentleman

Ever Repressed....

I am a Sorry Bastard

Journal Entry: Tue Jul 22, 2008, 11:57 AM

Because one public apology isn't good enough, let me put myself out a little further.

Nikki, I'm sorry that I didn't trust you enough to let you in on the truth of my indiscretions with Sunny. I was trying not to hurt you and did it anyway because I'm an idiot and I don't take my own good advice. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

Sunny, I am sorry for not treating you the way you feel you should be treated. I'm sorry for asking you to keep secrets. I'm sorry for making feel poorly. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

M. I am sorry for not being as strong as you needed me to be and accidentally developing feelings. Now I've made you physically ill with worry and keep you up at night with my woes which in turn has forced you to self-medicate. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

Sean, I am sorry for making M. like that. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

Shannon, I am sorry I'm not more there for you in your time of need. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

Danielle, I am sorry we didn't get to know one another better. I'm sorry you are dying and that your husband is the anti-christ. I wish you had never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

Sam and Eowyn, I'm sorry that you've never met the real me. I think we would get along famously, but that you would also think I'm completely insane and then disassociate from me... so that would all be pointless. I am glad you've never met me because I am a sorry bastard.

To anyone else whom I have wronged, I am sorry. Please, tell me exactly what it is I have done to you so that I can stop wondering and make a public apology. Public apologies are the only "real" and meaningful ones. I know that now. I have been told several times. It means that even people who don't know me and haven't had a chance to get to know me will automatically know that I am a SORRY BASTARD!

Trying to make a private, heartfelt apology will not work. Private heartfelt apologies are meaningless and worthless. No matter how much I pour my heart out, it means nothing unless I shame myself publicly.

So, here it is: I am a sorry bastard. Do not fall for my smooth lines. Do not "play" with me. Do not put yourself out there for me. Do not invite me in. A friendly, platonic handshake will suffice, though it is not recommended, lest you fall for something in it. I don't want to make you feel like I have forced you to be interested, so it may be a good idea not to read my writing.

I WILL hurt you. I WILL make you feel small. I WILL use you and leave you. I WILL make sure it hurts as much as possible despite my best efforts to the contrary. I am a ruiner and a sorry bastard and you would be wise to disassociate from me as quickly as possible.

Hurry.

Run.

_______________________
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15 Comments

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~TVDzombie

Jul 22, 2008, 12:27:15 PM

I am sorry for the people that have been hurt.
But this:
I WILL hurt you. I WILL make you feel small. I WILL use you and leave you. I WILL make sure it hurts as much as possible despite my best efforts to the contrary. I am a ruiner and a sorry bastard and you would be wise to disassociate from me as quickly as possible.
We could be twins.
I will be on later if you need to talk love.
Don't worry I cant be hurt by you. I have no heart to hurt.

--
WE ARE MINION!
I support DON HENRIE and TVD!!!!!!!!! To find out how you can be of support go here [link]

=nightfall8705

Jul 22, 2008, 12:51:03 PM

I'm here for you, love.

--
_{Love is a divine accident, and is the greatest of all things in life.

♥ =K-D-C ♥

The bridge of salvation is never so far that it cannot be reached.
If your will is unyielding, there is nothing you cannot do.}

=VictorianGentleman

Jul 22, 2008, 1:34:48 PM

Don't be. You'll just end up getting hurt.

Although... I thank you sincerely for caring.

--
Well wishes,
Grey Malkin: The Victorian Gentleman

=cxsankh

Jul 22, 2008, 1:37:46 PM

I really hate to intrude on your personal life... even though I don't know you well or the people you mentioned, I believe you're being too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.

Hope you feel better.

=nightfall8705

Jul 22, 2008, 1:52:08 PM

Honey, nobody can hurt me more than I hurt myself. It's water under the bridge.

And I do care for you, so even though I know the risks (as with anyone for that matter) I still am willing to tread the ground, no matter how tattered it is.

Note me if you need to talk, my dear.

--
_{Love is a divine accident, and is the greatest of all things in life.

♥ =K-D-C ♥

The bridge of salvation is never so far that it cannot be reached.
If your will is unyielding, there is nothing you cannot do.}

~Cyber-Toxin

Jul 22, 2008, 2:16:04 PM

You sound exactly like a friend of mine.

And, though we had our rough times, we're still friends.

So, my point? I don't mind a random note or two from a stranger. If you need to verbally spew something out, feel free.

--

Remember your death.

*Megumi-Selwyn

Jul 22, 2008, 2:16:46 PM

Well..being that I don't really know you, the other people involved, or the specific situations, there's really not much advice I can give. However, I think you're being very harsh on yourself. It's obvious that you feel a lot of remorse for your actions. You seem really stressed out, and I've had times where I've felt like you seem to be feeling. I wish there was something I could do to cheer you up a bit.

~cruel-dreams

Jul 22, 2008, 2:39:46 PM

You have done nothing to me to be sorry for Grey.....There are no apologies necessary for anything that you have done as far as I am concerned.....And you are NOT a sorry bastard....I'll always be your friend and I'm not running.....Besides there is nothing you can do to hurt me compared to my past. So no worries, I am here for you and always will be.

--
I am just a simple poet, come look into my heart....

I support Don Henrie, if you would like to learn how you can
Help support TVD ...[link]

[link]

=DruidWu

Jul 22, 2008, 5:28:00 PM

I can only speak for a general impression of the situation. Admitting your sorry is the best thing you could have done here. I feel you have fulfilled that at least.

I don't know what you did. So I will only advise you for you personally; from the information I gathered here.

Yes you have made mistakes and you have learned from it. You really need to reflect and improve upon yourself. But spiraling yourself down into a sorry bastard guilt trip doesn't really help you. You still have great qualities that brought these people to you in the first place. They need you as much as you need them. Pushing them away will only hurt them more.

Yes there are moments where you will feel it will be for the best. However, the even greater is the trust and confide you can gain back by speaking truthfully.

It may be your fault. But no one wants to see you be harsh to yourself. There are better ways around it.

Hope it helps

--
^{Life only becomes complicated when you can't make honest choices.

My Stock: ~DruidWuStock}

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